Rainbow after the rain

There was a thunderstorm last night which woke me up from my sleep. I've been sleeping and dreaming for 22 years, and now i've finally awake. From a vulnerable me to a realistic me.

Been letting everyone around me down, included friends and family. The first thing that comes to my mind was the guilt to my friends. Ever since that, i found out that, actually i was not in the position to say that i placed my family first and friends second in my heart, cause the things i've done actually hurts them and disappoint them.

I was not sad because of that incident, i cried not because of that incident too.. i was sad because of what my brother told me, i cried because i heard him cried over the phone. The tone and the voice, the words and messages that he sent hurts me deeply. I cant blame cause i'm the one should be blamed. I should not walk onto that path. i was glad that i got the slaps from her. The hatred that she has in me. The ugly words that she told me.. shows that how wrong i was. How cheap i was and how deeply i've hurted her. But what i can say now is sorry but not asking for forgiven. "Forgive and Forget" this is not what i want, this is not what i hope.

Brother is coming over to perth soon, another thunderstorm would occur soon..feelings are complex after since he said that he would lose a sister like me. Thinking negatively, i will hate him cause he's not there when i needed someone to talk to.. But thinking from another point of view, he's giving me a chance to be the sister he wants me to be.

I've been ruining my own life for the past few years. the bought up by parents has gone to waste. I did whatever things that my family against it. I've done alot alot to disappoint them. I've done alot alot to let them have the chance to disown me. Been a precious to them for so long, been pampered by them for so long, its time to quit everything and get down to live seriously.

Everything end after this, thats what i promised, i'll worked hard for the future, for my future, cause i believe that, only when i've learned to grow, i will have my life. A life that i can control without regrets. I cant be weak, in fact i should be stronger. I need to be cruel, need not care abt how people think of me. I cant be stupid anymore. i'm still Claire wherever i am.

I'm not pathetic, so i dun need Sympathy.. i'm wrong, but i dun ask to be forgiven. Thats the way to learn and grow..to know how shamless i was before, to know how bad i was and to know how stupid i was... importantly how deeply i've hurted all my friends and family. What a disappointment i was to them.

Commiting suicide has came across my mind... but thats a stupid way of thinking. By ending my life just like that doesnt help me clear my name. By ending my life just like that, i will not learn, by ending my life just like that, i'm forever a bitch. By ending my life just like that, the efforts and hope from my parents will just be a waste.

I still believes that, every problems have its best solution. Just have to be calm and steady. Think, work out ur brain, lots and lots of solution will be out. its wrong to threaten, thats why i'm here to say sorry KK, i shouldnt threaten you.